Hey Kennie’s Mind readers, I am back and I have A LOT to write about but first:
I think my mother screwed up my view on men and relationships. No, that is not a cliché euphemism for something else. I literally think my mom has screwed up my views on men and relationships.
This thought came to me when breaking up with my ex boyfriend, of whom I was having an on again off again relationship with since I was 14 years old. I was explaining to him the reasons why 9 years of trying to be together wasn’t working when it clicked that I should be completely hurt and crying ( as he was). Our relationship spanned over 9 years, I should have felt something towards him and our relationship but didn’t. At all. Nadda. Nothing.
This troubled me, I know I didn’t feel anything towards him any more but I was bordered ( and probably went over the line) of being cold and uncaring. Later that night I started to think about other times that I was meant to be understanding about someone whose relationship was in trouble but I failed to care or even empathize. It took me back to when my cousin had spilt up with her boyfriend of a year and a bit and she was crying to my mom on the phone about it. I remember coming into the room and my mom told what had happened, to which I coldly replied, “ Why is she even crying, it’s not like crying is going to get him back now is it.” and walked out.
Another example of my coldness towards relationships was when my brother and his girlfriend had a fight about some issue and his girlfriend came into my room crying, after listening to what she had to say I once again showed no empathy towards her and said, “ Stop crying, the only men you’re meant to ever cry over is your father, your male cousins, your nephews and your brother and that should only happen when they are dead.” and upset she left my room.
My third example was when my housemate was rejected by a girl he was interested in which sent him into a bit of a spiral. He talked to me about it and I listened but yet again my answer to him was, “ You got rejected, suck it up and move on.”
Sitting in the living watching Two and Half Men, I thought about my own rejections. I could remember feeling sad up to about the age of 11, when ever I was rejected by a boy, but after that when ever I was rejected I shrugged it off and moved on to another crush almost instantly. I have never cried for a guy not even my own father (but that’s another issue).
I have come to realization that my coldness towards relationships and my understanding of being hurt by a man is a waste of time is because I never grew up with the practice of being in a relationship that was so solid that if it broke then I would miss it or care that it was gone. This, I recognize as the work of my mother, who in her bid to protect me from the evils of men has kept me from feeling what is normal to feel when a relationship has broken up or what is meant to be in love, or to care for someone. I feel none of these towards any man that I meet or have a relationship with. As my friend so kindly pointed out the other day, I seem to be almost obligated to be with someone when ever I am in a relationship. I do not talk about him or what I have done with him. It is almost as if I expect every relationship to come to an end. I am quick to lose interest in the person I’m with (hence the obligation to be with him) and want the relationship to be over with before it has even started.
I guess my mother’s work of keeping me from men has worked because I feel no need to rush into a relationship and even if I’m in a relationship I will get bored with it very easily and will feel no pain when it comes to breaking in off. Thanks Mom!
P.S. I love my mom and even though she can be over protective sometimes, she has good reason to do so. By being the way she is relationships are the last thing on my mind, I love the way I have turned out and in these 10 years that I have gotten to know her better I thank her for all that she has and will do for me.